Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
