I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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