I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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