It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
