he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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