She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
