I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
