no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I queefed so loud it echoed.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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