watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
