those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
