i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
