In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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