I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
