The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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