peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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