I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
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I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
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That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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