remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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