just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
