Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
