I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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