Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
