it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
