I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My pussy is not your playground.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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