When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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