I've blown a few things in my day
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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