Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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