i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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