That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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