Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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