I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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