I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
