Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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