She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
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Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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