we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
