dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
