Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
