Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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