come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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