this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
