The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
