I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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