Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
