Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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