R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
