I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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