The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
