Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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