You just made me feel so damn special
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
