To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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