you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
