By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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