Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
