My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
