We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
