Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
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We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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