My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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