i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
