i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
